Have you ever had a secret? One that's so big you can't tell even the closest people? Probably, because everybody has at some point. And if you're like me, you don't go around announcing to everyone how you stuff your face and puke it all out the next minute, or that you hide out in the bathroom with the water on to hide the fact that you've been crushing and snorting pills for five months without anyone knowing.
But what happens when these secrets, these secret addictions are about to rip you apart? How can I ask for help when nobody knows? I don't want my boyfriend to know how fucked up I really am, I don't want my mom and brothers to have to have the burden of my problems, we've all been through enough this year. And once it's all out in the open, there's no going back to secrecy. Not really at least. Somebody will always be watching, listening, looking for the signs that I'm lying, that I'm not sober, that I'm still bulimic. That I've gone back to hiding what I just came clean about all over again And honestly, I'm surprised they can't see it now, I must be a good liar. I should play poker. But once your secrets are out, once they aren't just your to hold on to, if you ever go back to them, that's all you'll ever be. A liar. And a disappointment at that. Haaah, then I'd be the lying disappointing bulimic drug addict daughter that nobody wants to have to deal with.
Kind of sad.
So this is why, once you accept these secrets, and acknowledge that as long as their only yours, they will be another one of your addictions. Cause I mean, you'll hide them as much as you hide your habits. And the secrecy will tear you apart just like your habits. And what's a secret, if you tell? Not a secret anymore.
There's another adjective i forgot should be on my resume.
Secretive.
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