nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging on of an uncompleted task.

I started this blog, god knows how many months ago, with a strong desire to drown my disorder, and save myself from her. I wanted to do whatever it takes to get rid of the bulimic alter ego that was dictating my life (she goes by Jenna) and to vote Jordyn into power again. But I guess I knew it would be an impossibly hard task. I mean, it's not every day people overthrow dictators. So, days and days went by, and I guess I just never got around to trying. I gave up at the first moment of weakness. Or maybe I didn't give up, maybe Jenna just saw my weakness and took her opportunity to force me to my knees again. And this time she made me want to stay there.

"Can't you see yourself? Look what you've let happen! I give you less than a day of freedom and you've already got us both fat. You may want to weigh 300 pounds, but I fucking don't." 
                                    I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. I promise I'll try harder.

"Do you want Ryan to leave us for someone skinnier?"
                                  No! He wouldn't do that, would he?
"You saw him looking at that girl today."
                                What the hell do I do?!

"Don't you see how tight your clothes are getting?"
                             I'm a cow. I'm so sorry.

"You fucked up. You ate too much."
                           Oh no, no, no, no. What do I do?

"I think you know how I want you to fix this. Get to a bathroom. NOW!"
                               I'll do anything for you. Thank you.

My disorder finds anyway she can to make me her slave. And I find myself fighter her less and less as time goes on. But coming accross this blog again, and looking at myself in the mirror-the real me, not my disorder- I can see how tired I look. How worn out I am, how ready I am to just give up. I don't want to live anymore if it means living like this.  I put off getting better. I procrastinated trying to recover. Maybe it's because I'm weak, maybe I'm just scared.

But one thing I've finally figured out is,
"Nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging on of an uncompleted task."

So I guess there's only two options. I give up, and let her kill me. Or I get off my knees and try again. Really try this time. And take my life back.

I chose the later.