nobody can go back and make a brand new start. however, anyone can start now to make a brand new ending.

There's such a weird mix of feelings that goes on within me every single day. 

I can start depressed, wanting to die, to feeling so elated that nothing can bring me down. Or I can feel both of those at the exact same time. 

I used to use so that I couldn't feel anything. So the hardest part about sobriety is learning to feel and cope with the new whirlwind of emotions inside my head. It's easier said than done. Imagine feeling sad, angry, relieved, hopeful, yet hopeless, frustrated, excited, and humored at the same time. Seems impossible, right? Well trust me, it's not. It is, however, extremely hard to deal with for the normal person. But for an addict in recovery, it's even worse. When you're so used to feeling nothing, feeling even one emotion is rough. So going through the full spectrum in a minute on any given day, it's not fun or easy. But it is life. And it's something I'm learning to deal with. Sort of. Don't get me wrong I still lash out, burst into tears, react too quickly, or laugh inappropriately, but at least I'm not running away and getting high every time. See? I'm making progress.

Anyway, I figured that since so many of these posts are about the negative emotions, I'd make this one just for all the positive I'm feeling.

You know that feeling when you meet someone new and just hearing from them makes your heart rush? Where all you want is to lay with them while they make you forget all your pain and past? That emotion right before love, where everything is new, fun, and gives you happy tingles. Well, I'm the luckiest girl to be experiencing this again, and being sober enough to be able to experience it. So I'm grateful for my sobriety and for Nicole for showing me what it's like to feel all warm and fuzzy inside again. 

And then there's relief, when you know that the people you care about are okay. 

And excited emotions when you know you're on the verge of a perfect poem, or story, or whatever. That nature rush you get as you start to share at a meeting, or introduce yourself in group. 

And how about the peaceful, calm feeling you get when you lay down at night knowing you don't have to worry about where you'll get money or where you'll get dope the next day. Knowing you won't be sick and that when you wake, everything will be okay. It's that confidence you have in knowing that you will rise with the sun and the day is yours to do anything with.

Of course, there's love, and compassion too. I find these in my family and pets. I don't think I'd be here with out the help and love and support from my mom. And I wouldn't be happy without the unconditional love from Charlie.

And lastly (for now), there's passion. That drive and need to complete something that gets your blood flowing and creativity soaring. That high you get from doing the thing you were made for and knowing that it is your calling. That sense of pride you get reading the final copy, or viewing the final piece of artwork, or getting that dressage move down pact. The feeling of just knowing, from the deepest part of your soul, that you're right where you're supposed to be.

So yes, I'll have bad feelings and bad days. Maybe more than I'd like. But when things get rough, I know that I at least have these amazing emotions. And more importantly, I have the special people in my life that can help me feel and see all these great things I have in my life. 

Ouu, there's another one. Gratitude. The ability to see the abundance of good things, good people, and good feelings I have every day. And the ability to give thanks for it every night.

So tonight, life is good. And I'm glad for that.