defeat your enemies with your success.

So in recent posts I've mentioned those key players in my life last year. You know, the ones who took me in when I was homeless. The ones that taught me how to shoot up, the ones who stuck needles in my neck. The ones I considered my using family.

I haven't been able to keep them in my life, no matter how much I may miss them. As I've said before, we were bonded in our addictions, but not bonded in recovery. So in order to protect myself, I had to let them go. The best thing they did for me was kick my ass and leave me broken on the side of the road. Had they not  hurt me in that way, I'd still be out there using. Or more likely, dead in a ditch somewhere in this grim border city.

I was at the methadone clinic to see my addictions doctor. I ended up running into not just one, but three people I knew. One of them was my ex's mom. I had been told by him that she hated me. I was accused of stealing stuff from her car (which I swear on my dad's grave I didn't). So when she called me over and started talking to me I was so incredibly relieved. She even hugged me and invited me to come over at anytime to see her. I agreed. When she left, I sat down and almost had a complete breakdown. It just brought so many emotions to the surface. She used to consider me her daughter in law, that's how serious this relationship had been. We weren't married and didn't really want to be, but it was this love that you only get one time. So I just didn't know how to feel. I missed him, I missed her. I was happy to see her, but sad that she was in the same position as before. I was happy she was getting sober, but saddened that she had to work a minimum wage job now that his dad has passed away. I managed to keep it together, but just barely.

Just as I was calming down, Trelaine, that slut-faced bitch that slammed my head into the ground walks in. I was just overwhelmed with anger and fear. I didn't know what she would do to me if she recognized me. Lucky for me, I don't think she really did. But just as I thought she had left, Dan, the guy I had been sort of seeing strolls in too. He walked passed me so many times and didn't even look at me! I know there's absolutely no way he wouldn't recognize me unless he was so rocked out of his mind that he didn't recognize anyone. But then it got worse. Trelaine came back and started talking to him. Last summer they barely knew each other, but that had clearly changed.

Finally, as I was  waiting for my meds, Dan stood directly beside me. I didn't say a word. As much as I wanted to ream him out, I also didn't need the drama. He's such a scumbag to me that I couldn't even be bothered. I'd have defended myself if I needed to, but I wasn't going to start anything. It's just not me, But then I felt her behind me and suddenly she was laughing. He turned as asked what was so funny, and then finally his eyes fell onto me slightly. That's when I knew...they were laughing at me.

I left as soon as I had my script in my hands and just got the hell out of there. I was such an emotional wreck. Angered at them, pitying them, missing them, hating them, etc. I was so upset that they laughed at me. I did nothing to them. In fact, I drove them around for months and shared dope with them! I even slept with that douche bag. Which is the only regret I have sexually. I don't regret anything like that, except him. It was the biggest mistake of my life.

But then I got home and was telling my mom about it. Suddenly. as I was telling her I had this huge realization. Why should I care if they were laughing at me?! In all reality, if I was a bad person, it would be me laughing at them. They're the ones still out there using, hustling, lying, hurting and struggling every single day. And although my life isn't close to perfect, I have way more than they do. So since I'm not the horrible person they may think I am, I can't laugh at them. It's just not my nature. I no longer care that they laughed or if they like me or not. And I wouldn't ever wish ill on them.

This has just been such a lesson in gratitude. It took them being hurtful towards me for me to realize that in terms of things to be happy and grateful for, I have an abundance when they have none. So I will continue on with my own life, wishing well for them, but not caring so much about the things they may or may not do to me.

be the change you wish to see in the world.

In recent posts I had been talking about Women for Sobriety and volunteering to host meetings for the women at my local detox. At the time the program coordinator had not yet replied to my two attempts at contacting him. I was frustrated and a bit let down. I was worried that he was an adamant 12 step sort of guy and didn't want WFS coming in.

 Now don't think I'm putting the 12 steps down, I'm absolutely not. They help many people get and stay sober. So if it works for someone, great. I feel each individual has the choice to do whatever the feel keeps them sober. I'm just saying that many people do not know anything other than AA/NA/CA. There are some (not all) 12 steppers that think that the only thing that works is NA/AA and won't be open or willing to try or learn about other options. I personally never could connect to NA. I really tried to because many experts praise and recommend 12 step meetings, sponsors, etc. But in the end, it was not for me. There were some things I liked, but many more things I didn't. I gave it a long, honest try and it just wasn't helping. Sometimes I'd even come home feeling worse than I did before.

I was so, so fortunate to discover Women for Sobriety and to attend a meeting. I was even more lucky that we had a local meeting in my small, shitty city. Those meetings, the 13 affirmations, and the women both in my group and online have totally helped me save my life. They made me see how much I have to offer, how much good I am and have, and how much I had in my life. I always left feeling just absolutely wonderful, positive, strong, and filled with this incredible refreshing energy to get through the week and any problem. They even are supporting my treatment for my bulimia. The women there just ooze positivity, health, recovery, intelligence and compassion. They're every quality I respect and hope to be.

Now, before I finally got sober and found WFS I was in detox. While I was there they hosted one or two 12 step meetings per week. When I got out, I went straight back out to use and stuck a needle in my arm for the first time. I'm not saying that the 12 step meeting wasn't helpful. It was. But it also wasn't what I needed for my recovery, especially at that time. Since finding WFS I often ponder this and wonder, 'If there had been a Women for Sobriety meeting, would I have stayed sober?' I may not have, but there's also the chance I could have prevented that whole summer downfall. There's no point in dwelling on the past. There's nothing I can change about my story. But, I can change this for someone else in the future. So this is why I want to host a meeting there so badly. I'm extremely passionate about raising awareness for other meeting/treatment options. Especially for women.

One of my issues was that I rarely felt comfortable sharing every part of my story in a group full of mostly men. There are many women who feel the same. So I think it's important that there is an all women option where they can discuss traumas, abuse, rape, etc. with only women. They need a place where they will be met with understanding, empathy and will be safe. Women for Sobriety is that place. And of course anybody is more than welcome to attend  both WFS and NA/AA/CA. I don't want to encourage people not to attend those meetings, I simply just want to show women and others that there is another option for them out there (there is Men for Sobriety too, by the way).

Anyway, I'm extremely happy because I finally heard back from the program coordinator. He wants to set up a meeting with me to discuss things. I'm feeling hopeful. The woman who forwarded my message to him said that they're lucky to have 'such a wonderful opportunity.' I know it wouldn't hurt to have us come in, and would certainly do some good. Not only for the women in detox, but for me as well. Plus, there has recently been more requests for WFS meeting information. I'm excited to talk with him and discuss the benefits of this. I want this so badly it hurts. I'm going to start preparing so that when I go I'll be fully ready to answer any questions, concerns, etc. Our detox needs this. Women need this. And it thrills me to be the one to finally start this awareness movement. It just makes me feel proud. It will make my recovery so much more fulfilled to be able to help others and give back.

This has totally brought me out of my down mood. So today, I'm celebrating this success.

Much love, xx.

the best way to keep what you have, is to give it away.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vlOJ2-nh-w&ab_channel=KatelynWiersma


This is such a brave thing to do. I respect these girls beyond words. They've put themselves out there to raise awareness and to change our society. It's beautiful, honest, sad and so so so important for everyone to see.

It shows that this problem is in all places, across many ages. We need to change. If we don't every person with an eating disorder is forced to recovery in a society that refuses to. How can we change when the world we live in won't? We will be bombarded with triggering image forever until this changes.

Please pass this on. Continue sharing your story. As she so wisely said, the best way to raise awareness and to encourage change, is to tell your story. It also inspires those still struggling and let's them know that they aren't alone.


"Our flaws are what make us flawless."

nobody can go back and make a brand new start. however, anyone can start now to make a brand new ending.

There's such a weird mix of feelings that goes on within me every single day. 

I can start depressed, wanting to die, to feeling so elated that nothing can bring me down. Or I can feel both of those at the exact same time. 

I used to use so that I couldn't feel anything. So the hardest part about sobriety is learning to feel and cope with the new whirlwind of emotions inside my head. It's easier said than done. Imagine feeling sad, angry, relieved, hopeful, yet hopeless, frustrated, excited, and humored at the same time. Seems impossible, right? Well trust me, it's not. It is, however, extremely hard to deal with for the normal person. But for an addict in recovery, it's even worse. When you're so used to feeling nothing, feeling even one emotion is rough. So going through the full spectrum in a minute on any given day, it's not fun or easy. But it is life. And it's something I'm learning to deal with. Sort of. Don't get me wrong I still lash out, burst into tears, react too quickly, or laugh inappropriately, but at least I'm not running away and getting high every time. See? I'm making progress.

Anyway, I figured that since so many of these posts are about the negative emotions, I'd make this one just for all the positive I'm feeling.

You know that feeling when you meet someone new and just hearing from them makes your heart rush? Where all you want is to lay with them while they make you forget all your pain and past? That emotion right before love, where everything is new, fun, and gives you happy tingles. Well, I'm the luckiest girl to be experiencing this again, and being sober enough to be able to experience it. So I'm grateful for my sobriety and for Nicole for showing me what it's like to feel all warm and fuzzy inside again. 

And then there's relief, when you know that the people you care about are okay. 

And excited emotions when you know you're on the verge of a perfect poem, or story, or whatever. That nature rush you get as you start to share at a meeting, or introduce yourself in group. 

And how about the peaceful, calm feeling you get when you lay down at night knowing you don't have to worry about where you'll get money or where you'll get dope the next day. Knowing you won't be sick and that when you wake, everything will be okay. It's that confidence you have in knowing that you will rise with the sun and the day is yours to do anything with.

Of course, there's love, and compassion too. I find these in my family and pets. I don't think I'd be here with out the help and love and support from my mom. And I wouldn't be happy without the unconditional love from Charlie.

And lastly (for now), there's passion. That drive and need to complete something that gets your blood flowing and creativity soaring. That high you get from doing the thing you were made for and knowing that it is your calling. That sense of pride you get reading the final copy, or viewing the final piece of artwork, or getting that dressage move down pact. The feeling of just knowing, from the deepest part of your soul, that you're right where you're supposed to be.

So yes, I'll have bad feelings and bad days. Maybe more than I'd like. But when things get rough, I know that I at least have these amazing emotions. And more importantly, I have the special people in my life that can help me feel and see all these great things I have in my life. 

Ouu, there's another one. Gratitude. The ability to see the abundance of good things, good people, and good feelings I have every day. And the ability to give thanks for it every night.

So tonight, life is good. And I'm glad for that.