writing is the art of the soul.

I'm bubbling with pride at the moment. I feel like my life is finally coming together. So you all know that I've been running Women for Sobriety (WFS) meetings at my local detox centre for the women in there. I guess a woman's shelter heard about me somehow and called to see if I could run WFS at their shelter once a week. It is such a wonderful, humbling, rewarding opportunity. I feel such happiness that my volunteering is making a difference. Not only that, it's saving people. There is one woman from detox who since attending the meeting I run, has been sober ever since. She's the only one so far, but only if I only save on life, it will be worth it.

I'm also going to be an aunt in less than 3 months! I'm so excited that I am sober and alive to be a part of the baby's life. I want my niece to be to have a role model in me, and I finally feel like I'm worthy of that title.

And on top of all that, my writing for both Substance for You and Sisters in Serenity and Sobriety is going amazingly well. I had two WFS members call me today to tell me how incredibly talented I am. I wouldn't go that far with it, but it's nice to be praised for my writing. Writing to me is taking all the negative, unhealthy, toxic energy from inside me and expelling it onto paper in the form of words, sentences and paragraphs. Writing is the soul's art. I am just honored to be able to express my soul in such a way that touches other people's lives.

I've missed you all, but I'm so happy to say that I'm feeling good. Except for the cold I have, but I'm in such a great mood, I don't even care about it.

Much love, xx.

before you can see the light, you have to deal with the darkness.

So the last little while I've been feeling great. Optimistic, hopeful, inspired, determined, etc. But the last two days something has changed. I can't seem to put my finger on it. I've been taking my anti-depressants as prescribed, doing what I usually do, so I don't know what has changed. 

But I guess since I have been sober I get days like these. Days where all I think about is getting obliterated and not feeling a thing. Sinking into that beautiful place between dreams and reality. Nodding in and out, in and out. And hovering blissfully in between. These days are the ones when I won't eat a thing. It's like I'm so depressed and craving that high that the only other thing as satisfying to me is starving. There's even this song lyric I've always loved (sick or not) that says, "I feel like a super model who just skipped a meal." The song's about feeling great and on top of the world, so he says that as a good thing. And to me, not eating sometimes gives me this rush, this pride and satisfaction. The hunger pains act as a reminder of how "good" I've done by starving. 

So today again, all I thought about was opiates. Or meth. Opiates and meth, opiates and meth. Over and over again I switched back between the two, imaging the feeling. Remembering those feelings. The ones like nothing else in the world. And the more I try and stop it, the more it spins around in my head. An endless cycle. 

 The only thing that can quiet Roxy (addiction identity's name) who is locked in her cage begging to be let out is by asking Jenna (bulimia identity) to come out and play. So just for a moment, the thoughts, conversations, arguments, are only with me and Jenna. Just us two, like it used to be before Roxy showed up in my head. In a sick way I miss those times. Just me and her. She my best friend. I always imagined her to be beautiful, sexy, alluring, charming, intelligent. Basically everything I think I'm not. She's the gorgeous best friend you hang out with because maybe her beauty will rub off on you. So although I know she's the evil girl who wants me dead so she can take my place, I miss her being my only company. It seemed so much easier before Roxy came along throwing addiction into the mess of all my other mental illnesses. 

As if I didn't have enough issues before. You have no idea what it's like to have two powerful voices in your head telling you what to do, constantly criticizing you, bickering back and forth all day. Sometimes I forget I'm even in there. I think these are the days when I feel down. It's like if my mood is down, my voice gets quiet, sad. So the other two start to fill the silence. And it becomes so overwhelming that my real identity,  the shy, weaker one, has hidden away afraid to have to face them. On my good days, it's me who is taking the reins, it's me who is speaking up. But every once and a while, those old habits call to you, and I let them take control for a while. Sometimes it's like I just need a break. Recovery is hard work. So perhaps I'm just taking a rest, letting them run on autopilot while I heal and can take back over. 

So I'm going to get some rest, read a good book, have a spa day and recuperate. That way I can take back over and silent the evil girls in my head and get back on track to a healthy, happy recovery. I think I'll share this in group too. We talked about the eating disorder voice/identity last week and had homework to think about ours. Weird timing, having felt this.

Anyway, I wonder if they will ever go away. I want them to, but then I'm also terrified to let them go. 

Much love, xx.

By the way, I do not have split personality disorder (now called dissociative-identity disorder) or have different "voices" in my head. I simply have given each of my disorders an identity and name, mostly for writing purposes. But it also helps me differentiate between what is me and what is my disorder. It's like three people in my inner monologue. Me, Jenna, and Roxy. 

Here are two new pictures of me! Just thought I'd share what I look like now. I feel huge in them (at least, that's what Jenna says), but I've been told I look pretty. 

the best way to keep what you have, is to give it away.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vlOJ2-nh-w&ab_channel=KatelynWiersma


This is such a brave thing to do. I respect these girls beyond words. They've put themselves out there to raise awareness and to change our society. It's beautiful, honest, sad and so so so important for everyone to see.

It shows that this problem is in all places, across many ages. We need to change. If we don't every person with an eating disorder is forced to recovery in a society that refuses to. How can we change when the world we live in won't? We will be bombarded with triggering image forever until this changes.

Please pass this on. Continue sharing your story. As she so wisely said, the best way to raise awareness and to encourage change, is to tell your story. It also inspires those still struggling and let's them know that they aren't alone.


"Our flaws are what make us flawless."

she made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.

So I've been reflecting on these words, and this is what I hope I am, or will be, I want to be the girl everyone looks at with admiration. And not because I'm thin. Not because I've got track marks covering my skin and a drug induced confidence/ego a mile wide. But because my strength shines through everything else.

My dream in life is to help other girls who are struggling with addictions and eating disorders. I want to be able to tell them that recovery is worth it. I want them to see hope, strength and happiness radiating from me and know that they can have that too with recovery.

I may have finally got my first shot at giving back and helping others. I sent an email to my local detox centre on behalf of my recovery support group, Women For Sobriety (WFS).  I'm offering to host a WFS meeting at the detox centre once-twice per week. I want to raise awareness that you have other options than NA/AA/CA and the 12 steps (you can attend AA/NA and attend WFS and anyone can be apart of either but they are kept separate for the meetings purpose). Nothing against the 12 steps, since they have helped many people, but they never helped me. I felt like they were negative, male run, and too religion based. WFS is a secular, positive, support for those who want sobriety. You can be of any religion or spirituality, or of none at all, but that never really enters the room (unless talking about one's self) nor is it ever pushed on you. And in place of "I'm So&So and I'm an addict", there is the positive spin of "I am So&So and I am a competent woman." The women there just ooze love, acceptance, compassion, and respect. I've never felt more happy and loved than I do in their presence. Plus, when I was in detox they only had 12 step meetings. I couldn't relate to it. So I ended up using, and starting IV use, the day I left. Maybe if I had been introduced to WFS I might not have gone that way and perhaps would have chosen sobriety instead. But I can't know that for sure and I can't dwell on the past. All I can do is offer that choice to other girls and women so that maybe they can stay sober. I just want to make their stay at detox at least a some what positive experience and I think these meetings is the way to do it. I highly recommend WFS to every woman (there is a Men for Sobriety as well in some places).

So I'm excited about this. It not only lets me help others, but it also makes me feel good too. And since all I want is to radiate hope, strength, and happiness through recovery, it means I need to fully achieve that in all areas of life. I can't just be content with almost 10 months. I need to work as hard as I can on my eating disorder as well. I need to find my passions and live life to the fullest. I can't be a sober addict, I need to be a recovering addict, meaning I can't just be drug-free. I have to recover in all aspects, emotionally, physically, etc. I need to further deal with my traumas and learn to love myself. And as I progress through my life and recovery, I will be a step closer to my dream of helping others. I will do it. I can do it.

My dream is for the taking. All I have to do is reach out and take it,