you came to me when i was broken

Hey everyone, I'm back! Everything in my life has been going so well and I'm happy to announce that I am officially taken. Here is a poem I wrote for my incredible, sexy, smart, loving, amazing boyfriend, Krishani. I love him more than words can explain, but I'll give it a try:

you came to me when i was broken

climbing inside my heart 

sewing the pieces back together

you came to me when i was broken

entering my precious body 

making the pieces beautiful again

you came to me when i was broken

seeing into my damaged mind

changing every thought to artwork

you came to me when i was broken

clinging deeply into my soul

weaving us tightly together

you came to me when i was broken

fixing each part of my entity 

mending me until i was whole,

as a writer, you ask yourself to dream while awake.

I've been asked to write a blog post for this cool website about addiction and recovery. I asked to write a piece on addiction, but when the owner found out about my bulimia, he said he'd love some on eating disorders. So I promised him two different ones. One will be about 'One day in the life of Bulimia' and another is how they develop, the mindset when you have one, and the mental health issues that can lead to one. I'm pretty exicted, but also incredibly nervous.

 This will be me writing as me. Not writing as Jenna or Roxy, which are my ED and addiction identities, as you know. I feel safe being Roxy-an addict, or Jenna-the bulimic. It's been so long since I've written as my own person. I feel a bit exposed. But at the same time, it is a huge honour to be able to write these. I feel like I'll be speaking on behalf of every single one of us. Telling my story and yours. Because when it comes down to it, we may be on different sides, but we're still on the same coin that is eating disorders.

I don't even know where to start. There are so many ideas swirling around in my head. So many thoughts and emotions I want to share with readers. So many facts and stats about eating disorders. I don't even know how they'll all fit into two 1500 word posts. I need to set some time aside, write all my ideas down and come up with a rough draft. It's not like my blog here where I just get an idea, do a bit of research, find a quote that suits my idea, and then just start writing and letting the words fall as they may. This one has to be much more structured, accurate, and well-written. I'll have a broader audience with very intelligent respected people who have written before me. So I need this to be amazing.

Then again, maybe I shouldn't be so worried and obsessed. I feel like thinking to much into might just set me up for failure. I'll be so nervous that I won't be writing at my A-game. I think the best move will be to write for you. I do it almost everyday. I respect each of you even more than the other people on this site. And I trust you with my secrets. I know none of you will judge. So if I write it for you guys, then I think it'll be true perfection: where my honesty, passion, and flaws make the writing imperfectly perfect. I feel like I'll connect better to the audience if I think the audience will be my follows and readers here.

So thank-you for being my role models, supports, inspirations, and audience. I appreciate you all so much, even if my fan base isn't huge. I care for each of you in a profound way that can only be understood by others with these awful disorders. We're connected by our ED's and recovery in a way that is unfathomable to others. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Much love, xx.

P.S. I will share the posts I write for this site as soon as they're finished!

she made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.

So I've been reflecting on these words, and this is what I hope I am, or will be, I want to be the girl everyone looks at with admiration. And not because I'm thin. Not because I've got track marks covering my skin and a drug induced confidence/ego a mile wide. But because my strength shines through everything else.

My dream in life is to help other girls who are struggling with addictions and eating disorders. I want to be able to tell them that recovery is worth it. I want them to see hope, strength and happiness radiating from me and know that they can have that too with recovery.

I may have finally got my first shot at giving back and helping others. I sent an email to my local detox centre on behalf of my recovery support group, Women For Sobriety (WFS).  I'm offering to host a WFS meeting at the detox centre once-twice per week. I want to raise awareness that you have other options than NA/AA/CA and the 12 steps (you can attend AA/NA and attend WFS and anyone can be apart of either but they are kept separate for the meetings purpose). Nothing against the 12 steps, since they have helped many people, but they never helped me. I felt like they were negative, male run, and too religion based. WFS is a secular, positive, support for those who want sobriety. You can be of any religion or spirituality, or of none at all, but that never really enters the room (unless talking about one's self) nor is it ever pushed on you. And in place of "I'm So&So and I'm an addict", there is the positive spin of "I am So&So and I am a competent woman." The women there just ooze love, acceptance, compassion, and respect. I've never felt more happy and loved than I do in their presence. Plus, when I was in detox they only had 12 step meetings. I couldn't relate to it. So I ended up using, and starting IV use, the day I left. Maybe if I had been introduced to WFS I might not have gone that way and perhaps would have chosen sobriety instead. But I can't know that for sure and I can't dwell on the past. All I can do is offer that choice to other girls and women so that maybe they can stay sober. I just want to make their stay at detox at least a some what positive experience and I think these meetings is the way to do it. I highly recommend WFS to every woman (there is a Men for Sobriety as well in some places).

So I'm excited about this. It not only lets me help others, but it also makes me feel good too. And since all I want is to radiate hope, strength, and happiness through recovery, it means I need to fully achieve that in all areas of life. I can't just be content with almost 10 months. I need to work as hard as I can on my eating disorder as well. I need to find my passions and live life to the fullest. I can't be a sober addict, I need to be a recovering addict, meaning I can't just be drug-free. I have to recover in all aspects, emotionally, physically, etc. I need to further deal with my traumas and learn to love myself. And as I progress through my life and recovery, I will be a step closer to my dream of helping others. I will do it. I can do it.

My dream is for the taking. All I have to do is reach out and take it,