as a writer, you ask yourself to dream while awake.

I've been asked to write a blog post for this cool website about addiction and recovery. I asked to write a piece on addiction, but when the owner found out about my bulimia, he said he'd love some on eating disorders. So I promised him two different ones. One will be about 'One day in the life of Bulimia' and another is how they develop, the mindset when you have one, and the mental health issues that can lead to one. I'm pretty exicted, but also incredibly nervous.

 This will be me writing as me. Not writing as Jenna or Roxy, which are my ED and addiction identities, as you know. I feel safe being Roxy-an addict, or Jenna-the bulimic. It's been so long since I've written as my own person. I feel a bit exposed. But at the same time, it is a huge honour to be able to write these. I feel like I'll be speaking on behalf of every single one of us. Telling my story and yours. Because when it comes down to it, we may be on different sides, but we're still on the same coin that is eating disorders.

I don't even know where to start. There are so many ideas swirling around in my head. So many thoughts and emotions I want to share with readers. So many facts and stats about eating disorders. I don't even know how they'll all fit into two 1500 word posts. I need to set some time aside, write all my ideas down and come up with a rough draft. It's not like my blog here where I just get an idea, do a bit of research, find a quote that suits my idea, and then just start writing and letting the words fall as they may. This one has to be much more structured, accurate, and well-written. I'll have a broader audience with very intelligent respected people who have written before me. So I need this to be amazing.

Then again, maybe I shouldn't be so worried and obsessed. I feel like thinking to much into might just set me up for failure. I'll be so nervous that I won't be writing at my A-game. I think the best move will be to write for you. I do it almost everyday. I respect each of you even more than the other people on this site. And I trust you with my secrets. I know none of you will judge. So if I write it for you guys, then I think it'll be true perfection: where my honesty, passion, and flaws make the writing imperfectly perfect. I feel like I'll connect better to the audience if I think the audience will be my follows and readers here.

So thank-you for being my role models, supports, inspirations, and audience. I appreciate you all so much, even if my fan base isn't huge. I care for each of you in a profound way that can only be understood by others with these awful disorders. We're connected by our ED's and recovery in a way that is unfathomable to others. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Much love, xx.

P.S. I will share the posts I write for this site as soon as they're finished!

dear niece, some day you will shine.

I follow this facebook group called 'Beating Eating Disorders'. It's very pro-recovery and posts inspirational messages, photos, videos etc. and is run by two girls who are in recovery themselves. I absolutely love them and they give me such hope on bad days. I just saw this post, from one of the girls who runs the group. She wrote a letter to her young niece about self-love and wrote to her about loving her body the way it is. It's beautiful. I've copied it here for you all to read. I think I might write one for my first niece who is on the way and will be born in October.



"Grace,
I know you are only turning four this weekend, but I know you will eventually ask about your body - wondering about your size and shape, why you look the way you do, why others look different.
Important questions that I’m glad you will ask, this is my best answer:
You were born to be you.
You are not supposed to look like your cousin, like me, or like any of your classmates.
You might notice similarities, and that’s fine, but you are completely unique. You are important to this world, you are supposed to be here, and the design of your body is part of the greater plan of who you are – it should be no other way.
You may hear that you are supposed to look like this or that, or you may notice magazines or billboards that reflect a certain image, but they aren’t real. They are people, just like you, who have been made up, dressed up, and air brushed. This isn’t reality, it’s their work.
It’s great to have a healthy body and feel good about how you look, but self love is not about falling in love with your appearance. It’s about knowing your insides – your bliss, your gifts, your ability to share and experience joy.
Self love will hold you up in every aspect of your life because people will treat you as you treat yourself. When you love yourself you won’t allow others to take advantage of you. And if someone intentionally decides to hurt you, you will find support and begin the process of healing so you can forgive. Not to condone the behavior, but so you don’t carry around somebody else’s pain.
Taking care of yourself is your most important job – it’s the only way you will have energy to take care of others. So don’t waste time disliking yourself, spend time noticing your beauty instead. If you do, you will notice that everybody is beautiful, and you will be surrounded by people and experiences that reflect this understanding.
I see you when you are happily lost in yourself; when you are laughing, singing, playing, and twirling. You shine so brightly I get tears in my eyes. I feel your joy in being who you are, and I know that will always live inside you.
But at certain times you will forget, because unfortunately, we all do.
So your job is to have faith in that place, to remember that it’s not outside, it’s not in another person, it’s not in your clothes, it’s not in a job, and it’s not in a grade or an award.
It’s only in you.
And only you can celebrate the outside and inside of being you; so make it a celebration to remember.
And when you forget, please come back and ask. I am here to remind you.
Love, Auntie Kell."