dear niece, some day you will shine.

I follow this facebook group called 'Beating Eating Disorders'. It's very pro-recovery and posts inspirational messages, photos, videos etc. and is run by two girls who are in recovery themselves. I absolutely love them and they give me such hope on bad days. I just saw this post, from one of the girls who runs the group. She wrote a letter to her young niece about self-love and wrote to her about loving her body the way it is. It's beautiful. I've copied it here for you all to read. I think I might write one for my first niece who is on the way and will be born in October.



"Grace,
I know you are only turning four this weekend, but I know you will eventually ask about your body - wondering about your size and shape, why you look the way you do, why others look different.
Important questions that I’m glad you will ask, this is my best answer:
You were born to be you.
You are not supposed to look like your cousin, like me, or like any of your classmates.
You might notice similarities, and that’s fine, but you are completely unique. You are important to this world, you are supposed to be here, and the design of your body is part of the greater plan of who you are – it should be no other way.
You may hear that you are supposed to look like this or that, or you may notice magazines or billboards that reflect a certain image, but they aren’t real. They are people, just like you, who have been made up, dressed up, and air brushed. This isn’t reality, it’s their work.
It’s great to have a healthy body and feel good about how you look, but self love is not about falling in love with your appearance. It’s about knowing your insides – your bliss, your gifts, your ability to share and experience joy.
Self love will hold you up in every aspect of your life because people will treat you as you treat yourself. When you love yourself you won’t allow others to take advantage of you. And if someone intentionally decides to hurt you, you will find support and begin the process of healing so you can forgive. Not to condone the behavior, but so you don’t carry around somebody else’s pain.
Taking care of yourself is your most important job – it’s the only way you will have energy to take care of others. So don’t waste time disliking yourself, spend time noticing your beauty instead. If you do, you will notice that everybody is beautiful, and you will be surrounded by people and experiences that reflect this understanding.
I see you when you are happily lost in yourself; when you are laughing, singing, playing, and twirling. You shine so brightly I get tears in my eyes. I feel your joy in being who you are, and I know that will always live inside you.
But at certain times you will forget, because unfortunately, we all do.
So your job is to have faith in that place, to remember that it’s not outside, it’s not in another person, it’s not in your clothes, it’s not in a job, and it’s not in a grade or an award.
It’s only in you.
And only you can celebrate the outside and inside of being you; so make it a celebration to remember.
And when you forget, please come back and ask. I am here to remind you.
Love, Auntie Kell."

guilt can stop us from taking healthy care of ourselves.

Guilt: 1. The fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, especially against moral or penal law; culpability: He admitted his guilt.
 2. A feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.

Such a common word with so many meanings, situations, causes, feelings. Guilt in itself is a feeling, but I find it more of a primary emotion, one that evokes a secondary emotion depending on the situation. There's guilt over actions, guilt over thoughts, words, emotions. There's self-guilt, guilt regarding others. Inflicting guilt to manipulate someone into doing something. Real guilt, imagined guilt. Guilt, guilt, guilt.

Eating disorders and addiction are mental illnesses that are just completely loaded with guilt. Guilt over using, guilt over stealing, guilt over not caring about a thing in the world but whatever substance that makes it all go away. It even takes the guilt away for a short, blissful moment. Then there's guilt over eating, guilt over purging, guilt over gaining, guilt over your body, guilt over hurting others. See what I mean? There's no shortage of guilt over here.

In treatment for my opiate addiction, we sort of dealt with the past and guilt we had over our actions and stuff from when we were using. But it's so hard to completely let go of the past. As much as a try not to beat myself up over what I've done, I can't. The things I've done stilll haunt my mind and my life. And I think sometimes it's not my own issues with it, it is others'. For example, when I stole money from my family, I have sort of forgiven myself, but I know they still haven't. I mean to some degree I've been somewhat forgiven, but not totally. And I feel like until they have forgiven me, I don't know if I can forgive myself. Because many days are just a constant reminder of what I've done.

And so often when I'm consumed with guilt, I hid myself away. My self-care that is so important to my health (emotional and phsyical) goes out the window. I'm too ashamed of myself to do anything. I'm too ashamed of myself to believe that I deserve any kind of care or niceness at all. I did horrible things that I can never take back, and I should be punished for it. By myself and others. Now of course this isn't true, but there are days when forgiveness seems far and few between and I take it out on myself. Through isolation, purging, binging, negative self-talk, etc.

Some days this guilt effects my self-care in much more subtle ways. Often in the form of neglect or denial. For example, I knew that smoking dope, crack, etc and purging many times a day for years and years wasn't good for my teeth. I knew this, yet I avoided the dentist like it was the plague. So after getting sober, I refused to think that this was an issue. Until one of my wisdom teeth became so decayed and rotted that it was causing pain. But even then, my guilt got the best of me. I was too guilty to go in case they saw through me and accused me of being bulimic or an addict. My dentist is family, but I have kept these secrets from most of my family. I fear their judgement too much. And I'm sure they won't be that bad, but it's my own (you guessed it) guilt and shame that keeps me from telling them. And it's the same with my teeth. I waited until I couldn't wait any longer and now I'm paying the price. My tooth must come out, along with a few fillings. It will be painful. But it could have been avoided had I taken better care of myself over the years.

So I think I've finally learned my lesson. I need to find a way to accept my past and to let it go. I need to talk to those I've hurt and make amends and tell them that forgiveness is the only way I can truly move forward. And then I need to forgive myself, however I can. Plus, I need to acknowledge that much of my guilt is imagined or exaggerated. I need to be more compassionate and understanding of myself and to focus on the good I've done since.

I will not let guilt affect my well-being anymore. I will be all about seeking forgiveness.

Forgiveness: a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.

Much love, xx.

P.S. There are many healthy benefits that I have learned about regarding forgiveness while researching it for this post (yes, I do my research first, such I nerd, I know). There's a list here at: http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/forgiveness/definition  Check it out!