writing is the art of the soul.

I'm bubbling with pride at the moment. I feel like my life is finally coming together. So you all know that I've been running Women for Sobriety (WFS) meetings at my local detox centre for the women in there. I guess a woman's shelter heard about me somehow and called to see if I could run WFS at their shelter once a week. It is such a wonderful, humbling, rewarding opportunity. I feel such happiness that my volunteering is making a difference. Not only that, it's saving people. There is one woman from detox who since attending the meeting I run, has been sober ever since. She's the only one so far, but only if I only save on life, it will be worth it.

I'm also going to be an aunt in less than 3 months! I'm so excited that I am sober and alive to be a part of the baby's life. I want my niece to be to have a role model in me, and I finally feel like I'm worthy of that title.

And on top of all that, my writing for both Substance for You and Sisters in Serenity and Sobriety is going amazingly well. I had two WFS members call me today to tell me how incredibly talented I am. I wouldn't go that far with it, but it's nice to be praised for my writing. Writing to me is taking all the negative, unhealthy, toxic energy from inside me and expelling it onto paper in the form of words, sentences and paragraphs. Writing is the soul's art. I am just honored to be able to express my soul in such a way that touches other people's lives.

I've missed you all, but I'm so happy to say that I'm feeling good. Except for the cold I have, but I'm in such a great mood, I don't even care about it.

Much love, xx.

to just get high and let the blissful obliteration wash over my mind and body.

Seriously? Go fuck yourself. Like I have bad days too, I don't need people bitching at me because I have a simple fucking request. It's so annoying. I have more bad days than good lately and I don't take it out on other people. Maybe it's because I take it out on myself, but still, that's better than being a passive aggressive little fuck.

Ugh, now my day's turned shitty. I think I'm going to go smoke about 15 cigarettes then have a nap. Why does addiction and bulimia have to have such a strong grip on my life? It just makes me miserable. Do you know how much easier it would be to just give into it? To just get high and let the blissful obliteration wash over my mind and body?

Fuck....I just miss it so much. I feel like I lost a best friend or something. Or an husband. My addiction was my love and my life and being separated from it sometimes is just unbearable. I'm not going to relapse but I want to. I want to so so bad.

your body broken like your soul.

Love hurts

It rips the heart apart

As you willingly surrender

Your soul no longer yours.

Love bruises

Hit in hidden places

While you cover any marks

Your head tells you it’s okay.

Love scars

The slaps turn to beatings

And you lie broken on the floor

Your nose dripping blood.

Love destroys

Hope no longer present

So you shoot up to be numb

Your track marks show your pain.

Love kills

No sense of worth

Because you think you need him

Your body broken like your soul.

Love ends

Abuse not worth a life

So you escape his hell

Your heart still aches.

Love heals

Mending all wounds

Even if you never forget

Your scars will still slowly fade.

her forever exhaustion written clearly on her once flawless face.

Back When She Was Beautiful: Part One

She was beautiful once. It was a long time ago. Before she sold her soul to the monster. The devil. It was back when her eyes sparkled with life and love. Before the light burnt out and the life was stolen from her. Stolen and given away to the pills. To the needle. To the tin foil and the pipes. To the street. She once strove for thinness, cursed with curves. But now she's too skinny. All ribs, gaunt, hollow face. Her porcelain skin once glowing, now pale and marked. The scars she sliced into her arm now match the scars on her heart and soul. Cuts that sliced deeply inside and out. The needle she's become a slave to punctures her skin, piercing her veins, leaving track marks down her neck. Down her mind. A complexion once clear is marked with blemishes, imperfections. Dark circles rim her dead eyes. Her forever exhaustion written clearly on her once flawless face. She thought dope would make her more stunning, perfect. She was wrong when she thought it would give her everything, back when she was beautiful.

i looked death in the face and made it out alive.

http://substanceforyou.com/from-struggle-to-success/

Here's a link to another article of mine. Please read and like/share it with anyone you know.

the clouds were gray and cold, when the girl came in from the rain.

Here is my newest poem about my addiction and drinking. Hope you enjoy it. 


The Darkness

The clouds were gray and cold
When the girl came in from the
Darkness and falling rain.

She pushed her hair from her face
And wiped away the raindrops below her eyes
With a killer smile, she ordered
'Vodka water, hold the water.'

She took a gulp, slammed her glass
No grimace, not a rookie
Another and another ordered
Slammed down.

She finished her eight
With a beautiful giggle
Voice full of life, saying
'I can't believe I came in crying'
Mood clearly changed.

She looked at me with red rimmed blues
And suddenly understanding came
Sparkling clarity, in dead eyes
Those raindrops were tears
Falling in the dark off her pretty face.

if you don't want to be possessed by something, don't obsess.

So I got asked to be a full-time guest blogger for the Substance for You website! My first two articles on eating disorders were so well taken that I was asked to keep writing them on an ongoing basis. I couldn't be more proud. Here is the one I just wrote on food rituals and rules. Let me know what you think!  Much love, xx.

One day I was out for lunch with some friends from a support group. I, as usual, ordered the healthiest thing on the menu (read: the lowest calorie dish on the menu) with salad as a starter. When my food arrived, steaming hot and smelling delicious, my mouth watered. It's been almost 24 hours without food. I had to starve myself for a whole day to be able to go out for lunch. My body is screaming at me in hunger. I look at the food in front of me with a sudden rush of panic. Thoughts swirl through my head:


“I can't eat this, it's too much food.”
“I don't know what's in it or how many calories there really are.”
“What if the chef used too much butter/dressing/oil/sauce?”


My friends have already started to dig into their equally delicious looking meals. They can see my hesitation and ask if something is wrong. I shake my head and pick up my fork. As I'm moving the fork towards my food, my mind is quickly doing its automatic analysis. It calculates calories, grams of fat, sugar, etc instantaneously. Then it tells me the best way to eat in a specific order: healthiest to most 'fattening'. This is the way I have been eating for many, many years. I eat only the healthiest thing first, then will move on to the next. I never take bites of different things. I always eat all of one thing before allowing myself to start on something else. I had been doing this so long that it came as a shock to me when someone pointed it out.


“Why aren't you eating your (insert food here)?”
“I haven't finished my salad yet.”
“Oh. Well can't you have some of both?”



Being asked those questions absolutely stunned me. I honestly had no idea that this was a strange behaviour. I especially didn't realize that it was an eating disorder behaviour. Of course I had heard of food rituals, but I didn't think I did anything that would be considered one. I knew I had food rules, but not rituals. This was a completely new concept for me to wrap my head around.


Food rituals are the compulsive behaviours surrounding eating. They can range from pretty normal to completely bizarre and everything in between. Food rituals are common with all eating disorders, including anorexia and bulimia nervosa, binge eating disorder and eating disorders not otherwise specified (EDNOS). If any food rituals are interrupted or not completed it can cause severe anxiety and may result to compensatory behaviours from the individual. Some examples of food rituals are weighing and measuring food (often repeatedly), cutting food into small pieces, using specific bowls and cutlery, eating in specific orders, and eating rigid amounts of calories.




I have many of those rituals and some that I didn't mention. One of my biggest food rituals is measuring food. This stems from the need to know exactly what I'm putting in my body. If I don't know exactly how much I'm eating it causes extreme stress and anxiety. This also occurs because of my need to know how many calories I am eating at all times. Since I also have a rigid calorie allowance, not knowing what I'm consuming can throw off more than just that meal. It can ruin my whole day. This ritual is problematic when going out to a restaurant or for fast food. On the rare occasions where I do decide to eat outside of my house, it often involves extreme research into the specific restaurant. I will check their online nutrition guides so that I know what to order ahead of time. I try to avoid the places that do not provide this information online, but sometimes it can't be avoided. When this occurs I will usually always purge everything I eat due to the fact that I don't know how many calories I have eaten or what the ingredients were. I can't risk eating more than I should have, so I'd rather be empty inside than to overeat.


While speaking about eating out, I was reminded about another food ritual. I avoid eating in front of people at all costs. This is a pretty common ritual with individuals with eating disorders as the fear and anxiety surrounding eating in front of other people is too unbearable. If I eat with someone else I barely even taste the food because I'm too preoccupied with concerns of whether or not they think I'm fat. I question if they're watching me eat or if they think I'm eating too much. I worry that if I eat too little they will discover my secret. I constantly observe what they eat, partially because I'm jealous that they can eat more than me, but also because it causes me stress to eat more than the other person at my table. Another big fear is not being able to purge while out in public. I often have done it in public, but the fear of getting caught is worrisome and shameful. Not being able to purge before the calories are absorbed is an even worse thought. Just losing that option is enough to make me stay at home instead of eating out with friends. I'd often rather be completely alone to binge on my own with nobody judging me except myself and my eating disorder.


Another strange food ritual I have that I wasn't aware was weird was disassembling food. Many things I eat I will take apart in order to see what's inside. It makes me feel safer to eat some things separately. This is most common when I eat sandwich like foods. I often order subs and then completely pick them apart when I get home. I will remove almost half the ingredients I ordered and eat them first before moving on to the rest of the sub. For example, I will order lots of pickles on my vegetarian sub and then take them off to eat on their own. Even if I don't take anything off my food, I check it to make sure there are the right amount of things on it, in the proper order and in tolerable quantities. I arrange my food in very specific ways, again, usually with sandwich like things. I think this goes back to eating things in a specific order. When the food is all in one item, I feel less anxiety when I can put the toppings on in a way that I feel safe. I know rationally that this makes absolutely no difference, but the panic it causes when I can't do this is overwhelming.


Many food rituals are the result of strict food rules that develop overtime when someone has an eating disorder. Many of the rules are not based scientifically but are passed along through misguided advice, family role models, or are just created by the individual themselves. Food rules are rigid and often dictate when a person can eat, what they can eat, where to eat, and how much to eat. These food rules become obsessive and all consuming. I personally believe that these are the obsessive thoughts that result in compulsive food behaviours, as with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.


Food rules surrounding when to eat “involve specifying certain times and situations where food can be eaten” (Bulimia Anorexia Nervosa Association). This can also include avoiding eating all together or only eating after a certain point. For me, my rules around when I can eat are very black and white. I try at all costs to avoid eating anything before dinnertime. After than I will allow myself one small meal. I will not binge before 10pm, but after that I usually binge and purge repeatedly. I often binge and purge three or four times per day. Although this is something I have been working on in
treatment, it is a hard cycle to break and continues to be a struggle. I have had this food rule for so long that it will take a long time to break it.



Food rules that involve what to eat usually stem from the idea that some foods are 'good', while others are 'bad' or 'forbidden'. Food that the eating disordered individual thinks is especially fattening or 'dangerous' will be avoided at all costs. This often includes carbohydrates, sweets, fats, or anything when the ingredients are not known (i.e. at a restaurant). I personally have a huge list of 'forbidden' foods including pizza, junk food, sweets, simple carbohydrates, non-diet pop, chips, etc. This is not to say that I don't eat them. Many people with eating disorders fail to avoid the food they label as 'bad' which then results in feelings of guilt and shame. Removing the labels can help the individual feel better when they do eat something. As the BANA dietitian says, “All foods fit.”


Lastly, food rules that surround how much to eat often involve limiting or eliminating the quantity of food groups or calories consumed. According to BANA, this is often under 800 calories which is literally starvation. The body can not sustain it's functioning at that level of restriction. I have always tried to stay below 800 calories, which was my 'magic number'. I heard that number as a child and it has stuck in my head ever since. If I fail to eat under 800 calories, I will try to stay under 500 the next day in order to make up for my 'mistake'. This type of restriction often leads to binging and purging because I get so hungry that I lose control. In order to stop this cycle, I must eat normally during the day so that starvation doesn't lead me to binging at night. It's something that is easier said than done, however.


Food rules and rituals are very detrimental to those suffering with an eating disorder. They create an extreme preoccupation with food and dieting. This level of obsession is time consuming and is emotionally draining. Rules and rituals also lead to hunger and physical deprivation, emotional deprivation and physiological deprivation. The mind and body cannot function with this level of disordered eating and restriction, which results in malnutrition and worsened mental health. Binge eating is also a result of some of the strict rules and rituals surrounding eating disorders. As mentioned before, extreme hunger often results in the loss of control that is a binge. The food rules can also lead to emotional distress, especially when they are broken. Because the food rules are already set up to fail, this leads to feelings of guilt, shame, worthlessness, uselessness and self-hatred. The person may feel weak for not having enough self-control, when in reality the rules are completely unrealistic.



The fear of weight gain may create these rules and rituals surrounding food and eating, but it is a completely unhealthy and sad way to have to live. Nobody should have to live a life that is all about dieting, thoughts of food, worries of being fat, or hating themselves. It is important to realize that the rules are not accurate and are based on irrational fears rather than science. Hopefully once someone can admit that the rules are faulty, they will be able to break the rules and start eating intuitively rather than in a strict, rigid way. It is not the individual who is the failure, however, it is the food rule itself. Structured, normal eating is the best way to combat these rules. Giving your body the nutrition it needs will heal your body and your mind in time. There is hope.

sometimes you will never know the true value of a moment, until it becomes a memory.

So I've been looking through old Facebook pictures and I'm so shocked at many of them. I see them and instantly remember the exact time period in my life. I recall what I was doing, who I was with, and most importantly, how I felt. In so many of them I was almost too scared to post them because I honestly believed that I was so fat and gross.

Looking at them now it just makes me so sad for myself. I can see now how thin I really was. I was even borderline skinny. In one, you can especially see my collarbones sticking out like crazy.

See?!

It's so bizarre to me that in those moments I really, truly thought I was huge! It just shows how much bulimia really distorts your self-perception. I always knew it did, but to this degree is just shocking. It leaves me feeling a mixture of sadness and jealousy.

Sadness because I wish that I could have recognized how beautiful I was back then. Maybe things would have gone a little better. Maybe I wouldn't have turned to dope. Maybe I'd become eating disorder free. Maybe I'd be happy. Who knows. The possibilities are endless.

But at the same time, I look at these photos with such a strong sense of jealousy and anger. I think to myself, 'What an idiot! Didn't you see how good you had it?' and 'Wow, I'd die to be this weight again.'  I know this is extremely disordered thinking, but I can't help it. It just sort of causes this hatred for the weight I am now. It just makes me feel so giant. I don't even know how to deal with it. I don't want to delete the pictures, but I also can't let them get to me like this. It's unrealistic to ever think I can be my high school weight again.

I wish I could use it as a learning experience, but I'm not sure how. I know it shows how distorted my view is, so it should tell me that I'm not as fat as I think I am now. But you know how it is, eating disorders lie. Mirrors lie too. And Jenna's in my head telling me to starve myself until I'm that girl in the pictures again.

I just wish this was all over with. I wish I could just be normal and happy. In fact, I wish none of this ever happened, because I don't know how to overcome it.