Ever since my dad passed away in 2011, I have spent these days alone. My dad was never a big gift guy, but I know he appreciated knowing we loved him. I never told my dad that I loved him nearly enough. I regret that I didn't tell him every single day. Because now I don't have the option of hugging his big belly and holding on forever.
I miss my dad so much it hurts. This is my first sober Father's Day, so maybe I'm feeling overly emotional because I don't have anything to numb the pain. I had the option of going to my cousins to have dinner with my aunt (his sister) and uncle, cousins and their kids. But I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Some of it was eating disorder related. I had such panic about eating in front of them now that they know I have bulimia. But I think a bigger part of it was I couldn't bear to watch them celebrate this day with smiles. My cousin is double my age and still has his father. I know that shouldn't bother me. But it does. It makes me so incredibly angry and jealous. Why should he get his dad when me and my younger brother lost ours so young? It's not fair. And I don't think I could have hidden my resentment today. So I didn't go.
Instead I'm sitting here alone wishing I could get high. It doesn't help that the only person I really have to talk to is drunk. It's not easy to be around people who are intoxicated when all you want is to obliterate your feelings and sink into that magical place between reality and dreamland. I would spend all day hanging in the middle, suspended on a cozy web of bliss, peace, and safety. Stuck in the place where nothing matters but the drugs pumping through your veins with each beat of your slowed, relaxed heart. So I'm angry and not speaking to her now.
I wish I could say that I want to get over it and be happy. I wish I could say I think my dad would be proud of how far I've come. But I feel like those would be lies. Today I don't feel like changing my negative thoughts or trying to be positive person in recovery. Today I just feel like sitting alone wishing my dad was here. And there's nothing in the world that can change that.
I love you dad. I miss you like crazy. Happy Father's Day. You will always be my king, my heart, my dad.
*hugs* :(
ReplyDeleteI won't say "I know how you feel", but I lost my father when I was little, and Father's Day has always stung more than a bit.
Are there any photos of him that make you happy? I know it can be a potential trigger, but sometimes I find it comforting to look at photos or little physical momentos (like the rainbow troll doll he gave me in the weeks before he passed).
I'm having trouble finding words but I did want to say thank you for your supportive comments. I know it's cliché, but it really does help just knowing someone 'gets it'.
Keep hanging in there... Anniversaries etc. can be some of the hardest challenges with sobriety for me. Some days we just need to sit and miss them, and you're right, there's nothing in the world that can change that :(
<3
xxxx
I'm sorry you've lost your dad too. It's definitely awful.
ReplyDeleteBut it's interesting you mentioned pictures, because I ended up watching this video of him talking a bunch of times. You sort of forget what they sound like, so just to hear his voice again was soothing. I feel a bit better today, having just let myself feel all the bad stuff. I think it's the only way to get through it in a healthy way.
But thank you so much for your kind words and support. It means more than you'll ever know, especially with this topic. And you're welcome, I totally get it, so if you ever need to talk, you know where to find me. :)
Much love, xx.
It sounds like you are in so much pain at the moment. My heart goes out to you and I send you much love xxx
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