Sunday, 26 July 2015

i imagine my dreams before me, mine.

Warning: This poem is very violent sounding. It was intended to purge all of my anger the other day, so that is why it is full of such hatred. Just a warning so you all don't think I'm a psycho killer or something! Plus, as you will see, the whole idea was self-harm/death, not towards others.


I'm angry, frustrated
Annoyingly so
I imagine beating her senseless
I'm angry, pissed off
Aggressively so
I imagine the slitting of her throat

I'm angry, hurt
Painfully so
I imagine her slow death

I'm angry, enraged
Brutally so
I imagine watching the life leave her eyes

I'm angry, hateful
Deadly so,
I imagine laughing at her funeral

I'm angry, depressed
Overwhelmingly so
I imagine that she is me

I'm alive, enlightened
Breathtakingly so
I imagine my dreams before me.

Mine.  

my insides are screaming at me to just get high.

So good news! I'm feeling much better. 

The other day sort of got way out of hand when I had to speak to my brother about his drinking and talking to me while drunk. He's down visiting from out of town but has come home wasted almost every night this week.  It's just so frustrating and triggering when he talks to me like that. And for some reason the conversation always comes back to my recovery. So I'm talking to a person who's just waxed about not being waxed...it's awkward. Especially because my insides are screaming at me to just go get high so I can be in the same state. It sucks. So when I asked him not to, things got out of control and we fought. So I was in a bad mood and then sort of got into it with the guy who runs the site I've been writing for. It was mostly my fault and I escalated it pretty quick because of the two things happening around the exact same time. I feel bad about it, but everything is back to normal so that's good.

Anyways, not only do I get to write for Substance for You, I've also been asked to write for Sisters of Serenity and Sobriety, which is another huge website. It feels really good that my writing is being so well perceived. I feel really proud.

I've been missing you all, being so busy with everything I've sort of been neglecting my own blog, so my goal is to catch up with all three.

Hope all is well with everyone!

Much love, xx.

Saturday, 25 July 2015

her fat ego makes me think she has a thin mind.

http://substanceforyou.com/body-shamers-be-ashamed-of-yourself/

Still not having a good day, but the good news is I have written an article taking on body shamers in the hopes that people will be more body positive. Please read and like it, or recommend it on here. I appreciate all your love and support, especially on days like this.

to just get high and let the blissful obliteration wash over my mind and body.

Seriously? Go fuck yourself. Like I have bad days too, I don't need people bitching at me because I have a simple fucking request. It's so annoying. I have more bad days than good lately and I don't take it out on other people. Maybe it's because I take it out on myself, but still, that's better than being a passive aggressive little fuck.

Ugh, now my day's turned shitty. I think I'm going to go smoke about 15 cigarettes then have a nap. Why does addiction and bulimia have to have such a strong grip on my life? It just makes me miserable. Do you know how much easier it would be to just give into it? To just get high and let the blissful obliteration wash over my mind and body?

Fuck....I just miss it so much. I feel like I lost a best friend or something. Or an husband. My addiction was my love and my life and being separated from it sometimes is just unbearable. I'm not going to relapse but I want to. I want to so so bad.

Wednesday, 22 July 2015

your body broken like your soul.

Love hurts
It rips the heart apart
As you willingly surrender
Your soul no longer yours.
Love bruises
Hit in hidden places
While you cover any marks
Your head tells you it’s okay.
Love scars
The slaps turn to beatings
And you lie broken on the floor
Your nose dripping blood.
Love destroys
Hope no longer present
So you shoot up to be numb
Your track marks show your pain.
Love kills
No sense of worth
Because you think you need him
Your body broken like your soul.
Love ends
Abuse not worth a life
So you escape his hell
Your heart still aches.
Love heals
Mending all wounds
Even if you never forget
Your scars will still slowly fade.

Sunday, 19 July 2015

http://substanceforyou.com/health-consequences-eating-disorder/

Here's my newest blog post for Substance for You. Please take the time to read it and like/share it. It would mean the world to me.

Monday, 13 July 2015

http://www.mindfulnessmeditationinstitute.org/2012/07/12-qualities-of-an-enlightened-person/

I just wanted to share this link with you all. I really enjoyed it. I meditate daily as part of my recovery, so I just wanted to recommend some time of mindfulness. Whether it;s meditating, writing, mindful eating, etc. It is extremely helpful to my recovery so maybe it will help with yours.

Saturday, 11 July 2015

her forever exhaustion written clearly on her once flawless face.

Back When She Was Beautiful: Part One

She was beautiful once. It was a long time ago. Before she sold her soul to the monster. The devil. It was back when her eyes sparkled with life and love. Before the light burnt out and the life was stolen from her. Stolen and given away to the pills. To the needle. To the tin foil and the pipes. To the street. She once strove for thinness, cursed with curves. But now she's too skinny. All ribs, gaunt, hollow face. Her porcelain skin once glowing, now pale and marked. The scars she sliced into her arm now match the scars on her heart and soul. Cuts that sliced deeply inside and out. The needle she's become a slave to punctures her skin, piercing her veins, leaving track marks down her neck. Down her mind. A complexion once clear is marked with blemishes, imperfections. Dark circles rim her dead eyes. Her forever exhaustion written clearly on her once flawless face. She thought dope would make her more stunning, perfect. She was wrong when she thought it would give her everything, back when she was beautiful.

i looked death in the face and made it out alive.

http://substanceforyou.com/from-struggle-to-success/

Here's a link to another article of mine. Please read and like/share it with anyone you know.

Thursday, 9 July 2015

it's not thinness or fat, it's life or death.

Here is my most recent post for the Substance For You website. :)


The definition of eating disorders is a broad term that encompasses the many types of eating disorders, including bulimia and anorexia nervosa, binge eating disorder, atypical anorexia and eating disorders not otherwise specified (EDNOS). On their own eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illnesses and can result in serious health consequences, suicide, and death. That is to say, simply having only an eating disorder is extremely dangerous. They are even more dangerous when co-occurring with other mental illnesses.

Co-morbidity is defined as 'the presence of one or more additional disorders (or diseases) co-occurring with a primary disease or disorder'. Eating disorders have a high co-morbidity rate with other severe mental illnesses, such as depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), and post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Which means someone with an eating disorder is likely to suffer from other mental disorders along with whichever eating disorder they struggle with.

According to the National Eating Disorder Association (NEDA), substance abuse disorder has the highest co-morbidity rate along with eating disorders. NEDA states that nearly 50 percent of individuals with an eating disorder also abuse drugs and alcohol, which is a rate five times higher than the general population. This means that someone with an eating disorder of any type is five times more likely to develop an addiction than the average man or woman. Due to the fact that both eating disorders and addiction are correlated with higher instances of death, having both is extremely life-threatening and needs to be treated as soon as possible.

For me, I had my eating disorder long before my addiction came into the picture. I developed depression and anxiety as well at a very young age. I can't remember a time where I didn't feel some sort of depression or anxious feeling. I believe this along with extremely low self-esteem and a higher body weight, led to feelings of body dissatisfaction. This hatred for my body is the reason I went to extreme dieting to lose over 100 pounds in less than one year. This weight loss is also when my bulimia nervosa developed. It was so easy to fix any 'mistakes' I made in eating by purging anything I ate that was considered 'forbidden'. I no longer needed to worry about cheating on my diet because I had found this loophole in the system. I felt like I had discovered some secret ingredient to a perfect body and I continued this behaviour to this day, ignoring the negative effects it has had on my health.

That feeling of discovering something 'incredible' is almost the exact same feeling I had when I had my first line of Oxycontin. It was around five years after I developed bulimia that I started using opiates to numb any pain I felt. I dealt with a lot of death in a short span of time and drugs were my way to cope. I couldn't bear losing my grandma, dog, and dad all in a few months. I promised myself I would finish school to make my dad proud, at any cost. My freedom was that cost.

I started using in December of 2011 around exam time. I needed to be up studying for most of the night. Having been dating someone who was involved in the drug lifestyle, I knew all about Oxy's and how dangerous they were. I had seen up close the toll they took on people's lives. But for some reason, I didn't care. Or maybe I did care but I thought I was intelligent enought to trick the system and be just fine. Regardless of what I thought would happen, I knew two things. One was that they would help me stay awake studying. I knew that if I did a line here or there, my grades would sky rocket. And two, I knew I'd feel much better than I did at the time. I felt so alone and depressed, I think I was willing to try anything, no matter how bad it was for me.

For a time using worked wonders in my life. My grades improved immensely for a while. I would stay up rocked out of my mind studying and doing assignments all night and actually enjoying it. I would go to class feeling amazing. The drugs heightened everything and boring classes became these incredible lectures that I needed to hear. I no longer felt depressed. In fact, I felt pretty amazing. I remember my brother making a comment to my mom about how well I was doing with my dad's passing. I even recall laughing about that comment to myself in a sick way.

'Ha! If only they knew my secret!' I thought.

Not only did my mood and grades improve, my weight loss did too. Using pills made me feel somewhat full all the time. I felt absolutely no desire to eat anything. As long as I was high, I didn't need anything else at all. Sometimes I would even do too much and would be too sick to eat. Those moments of what I considered sickness was only a hint at was coming my way.

The first time I felt withdrawal I didn't know what it was. I woke up feeling sick, fidgety and sore. I couldn't keep anything down and I could not stay still for the life of me. My legs jumped around, completely restless. I didn't think anything of it because almost as soon as I got up, I was doing lines of Oxy. It took a while for me to connect the dots: if I use, that feeling goes away. If I was smart, I would have gotten out then before it was too late, but I didn't.

My addiction fed into my eating disorder for another three to four years. I would wake up, use, not eat, study, binge, purge, use, starve. Repeat. After a while though, the positive effects of using wore off. It took more and more to get high. More and more to feel normal. I had never felt anything like the sickness I felt when I didn't have any drugs. But my weight was extremely low, so I didn't care. I didn't care about living or dying, as long as I was thin and somewhat high, life was okay. I started missing more and more school and spending more and more money on dope. Things were starting to fall apart all ready. My grades went down to an all time low. I had to drop out of classes because I missed to many classes and had no idea what I was doing. My life was getting chaotic and out of control.

My dysfunctional relationship was getting more dysfunctional by the day. He was a drinker and my dealer (although he didn't know it at the time) and the more we abused substances together, the more erratic our relationship got. I wouldn't consider him abusive, but many would. I was okay with it though, because when I would get high, I would get mean. I'd even fight back when things got violent. And as much as I loved him, I needed him more. I completely started to use him because I knew no other way to get drugs. My eating disorder and addiction became more important than he and my family did. I didn't care about anyone. Not even myself. I wanted to punish myself for all the horrible things I had been doing by doing more and more.

Eventually my mom and ex-boyfriend gave me an ultimatum: get help or get out. So I checked myself into detox, paid for by both my mom and ex. I stayed for the five days in excruciating pain, planning the day I'd get out so I could get some more drugs. Finally the day came when I was released. My first stop was to pick up two new friends who were addicts too. This is when I first stuck a needle in my arm. I had gone through the progression of using, from snorting to smoking to injecting. I knew that moment that there was no going back. I was a full-blown junkie and there was nothing that could change that. Or so I thought.

I hid my use for a month or so before being kicked out by first my mom and then my ex. I had no place to go except my car. I ended up homeless and couch surfing for about five months in 2014. At this time, any money I got went into my veins so I had no time or way of eating. My weight sank to an new all time low. I looked so sick, and part of me loved it. I loved the harsh look of my bones and track marks. I wore them with pride. But as time went on like this, I sank in to a lower depression. I started to hate myself and my life even more. I felt so hopeless that I wanted to die. All I wished for was an accidental; overdose so I wouldn't have to face my horrible life anymore.

Finally I got my wish. The 'friends' I was staying with assaulted me and threw me out. Broken, battered and alone, I sought help form my mom. I hadn't spoken to her in months and just the sound of her voice made me cry. I realized then how much I missed my family, my friends.

I finally got help, went to treatment for my addiction and traumas, found a Women for Sobriety chapter in my city and never looked back. I knew that I had to get help for my eating disorder as well, however, otherwise I would relapse. They fed into each other immensely, so I needed to treat both or risk being back out on the streets. I am currently still in outpatient treatment for my bulimia and am almost 11 months sober. I honestly couldn't be happier. I know there is a long way to go still, but I can truly say it is worth it.


One thing I know is that if someone is struggling with one of these mental illnesses, they need to seek help. And if someone is suffering from both, or has a different co-occurring disorder, your life is in serious jeopardy. I urge everyone to get help, it may be tough, but it's treatment or death. The statistics prove that the choice is isn't thinness or fat, high or not. It is life or death.  

Wednesday, 8 July 2015

the clouds were gray and cold, when the girl came in from the rain.

Here is my newest poem about my addiction and drinking. Hope you enjoy it. 


The Darkness

The clouds were gray and cold
When the girl came in from the
Darkness and falling rain.

She pushed her hair from her face
And wiped away the raindrops below her eyes
With a killer smile, she ordered
'Vodka water, hold the water.'

She took a gulp, slammed her glass
No grimace, not a rookie
Another and another ordered
Slammed down.

She finished her eight
With a beautiful giggle
Voice full of life, saying
'I can't believe I came in crying'
Mood clearly changed.

She looked at me with red rimmed blues
And suddenly understanding came
Sparkling clarity, in dead eyes
Those raindrops were tears
Falling in the dark off her pretty face.

Tuesday, 7 July 2015

i think the most common cause of insomnia is simple, it's loneliness.

So the last week it has seemed almost impossible to fall asleep. And when I finally do, I end up waking up around six in the morning and then cannot fall back to sleep. It drives me crazy because by the end of the day I am absolutely exhausted, yet I can't seem to convince my mind to shut off and let me fall into that blissful state that is sleep. Sleep has always worsened my depression which is why I was prescribed sleeping pills and Xanax at such a young age.

But now since I'm sober, I don't have the option to take pills to just go into that wonderful land of dreams and nothingness. Well, I do have the option, but I have chosen not to take it because I know for a fact that it would completely ruin my sobriety and send me right back into the arms of my beloved Oxycontin. So every night it has been a struggle to get to that place where everything is perfect and calm and just is.

I don't know what to do. Not sleeping worsens every bad feeling I have. Every trigger, depressed though, craving, anxious thought, everything is exacerbated by my insomnia.

If I don't sleep soon, I think I'm going to lose my mind.

Saturday, 4 July 2015

never let the things you want make you forget about the things that you have.

So I've been so busy these last few days/weeks so I haven't had as much time to write. Plus writing full time for someone else's blog has been time consuming, so with treatment, sobriety, starting at detox, I've been so swamped and have been neglecting my baby (this blog). So I thought I'd do a bit of an update to catch everyone up.

I started the Women for Sobriety meetings at detox last Tuesday. My friend who came said I did extremely well but I was so nervous I thought I bombed the whole thing. I was terrified that they would ask us not to come back. But I guess if she says I did well and they haven't said not to come, then I must have done something right. Who knows. There was only one girl there. I won't say much about her because I don't believe it's right to break confidentiality, but she made me feel so sad. I felt for her so badly, having been in similar circumstances last year. I was lucky, however, not to have to get into the sex trade for drugs. I know for  a fact though that if I had stayed out there, it would have come to that very quickly. I could already start to see it happening. She had nine children due to the sex trade industry. It was so hard to hear, but it made me so grateful for where I am now. Safe in my own bed, with no worries of getting money or drugs or being whored out by some abusive pimp.

On top of that, my writing for Substance for You has been going fabulous. Writing is the one thing I know for sure that I am good at, so I take immense pride in the things I write. Contributing to his blog is a huge milestone for me as it reaches a much broader audience. Plus it's my first time writing as me, not Jenna or Roxy. Just me, JORDYN. Yep, I said it. My real name is Jordyn and I'm a good writer. Hear that bitches (Jenna and Roxy I mean)? Your grip isn't so tight anymore.

As far as treatment goes, I've been doing much better. I've been doing my homework and doing my goals. Before I wasn't really trying to work on the goals I'd set, but the past two weeks I have completed them both perfectly. I'm really happy about this. It gives me hope that I can indeed, do this.

Hope all has been well in the blogger world. I've missed you all.

Much love, xx.

Friday, 3 July 2015

if you don't want to be possessed by something, don't obsess.

So I got asked to be a full-time guest blogger for the Substance for You website! My first two articles on eating disorders were so well taken that I was asked to keep writing them on an ongoing basis. I couldn't be more proud. Here is the one I just wrote on food rituals and rules. Let me know what you think!  Much love, xx.

One day I was out for lunch with some friends from a support group. I, as usual, ordered the healthiest thing on the menu (read: the lowest calorie dish on the menu) with salad as a starter. When my food arrived, steaming hot and smelling delicious, my mouth watered. It's been almost 24 hours without food. I had to starve myself for a whole day to be able to go out for lunch. My body is screaming at me in hunger. I look at the food in front of me with a sudden rush of panic. Thoughts swirl through my head:


“I can't eat this, it's too much food.”
“I don't know what's in it or how many calories there really are.”
“What if the chef used too much butter/dressing/oil/sauce?”


My friends have already started to dig into their equally delicious looking meals. They can see my hesitation and ask if something is wrong. I shake my head and pick up my fork. As I'm moving the fork towards my food, my mind is quickly doing its automatic analysis. It calculates calories, grams of fat, sugar, etc instantaneously. Then it tells me the best way to eat in a specific order: healthiest to most 'fattening'. This is the way I have been eating for many, many years. I eat only the healthiest thing first, then will move on to the next. I never take bites of different things. I always eat all of one thing before allowing myself to start on something else. I had been doing this so long that it came as a shock to me when someone pointed it out.


“Why aren't you eating your (insert food here)?”
“I haven't finished my salad yet.”
“Oh. Well can't you have some of both?”



Being asked those questions absolutely stunned me. I honestly had no idea that this was a strange behaviour. I especially didn't realize that it was an eating disorder behaviour. Of course I had heard of food rituals, but I didn't think I did anything that would be considered one. I knew I had food rules, but not rituals. This was a completely new concept for me to wrap my head around.


Food rituals are the compulsive behaviours surrounding eating. They can range from pretty normal to completely bizarre and everything in between. Food rituals are common with all eating disorders, including anorexia and bulimia nervosa, binge eating disorder and eating disorders not otherwise specified (EDNOS). If any food rituals are interrupted or not completed it can cause severe anxiety and may result to compensatory behaviours from the individual. Some examples of food rituals are weighing and measuring food (often repeatedly), cutting food into small pieces, using specific bowls and cutlery, eating in specific orders, and eating rigid amounts of calories.




I have many of those rituals and some that I didn't mention. One of my biggest food rituals is measuring food. This stems from the need to know exactly what I'm putting in my body. If I don't know exactly how much I'm eating it causes extreme stress and anxiety. This also occurs because of my need to know how many calories I am eating at all times. Since I also have a rigid calorie allowance, not knowing what I'm consuming can throw off more than just that meal. It can ruin my whole day. This ritual is problematic when going out to a restaurant or for fast food. On the rare occasions where I do decide to eat outside of my house, it often involves extreme research into the specific restaurant. I will check their online nutrition guides so that I know what to order ahead of time. I try to avoid the places that do not provide this information online, but sometimes it can't be avoided. When this occurs I will usually always purge everything I eat due to the fact that I don't know how many calories I have eaten or what the ingredients were. I can't risk eating more than I should have, so I'd rather be empty inside than to overeat.


While speaking about eating out, I was reminded about another food ritual. I avoid eating in front of people at all costs. This is a pretty common ritual with individuals with eating disorders as the fear and anxiety surrounding eating in front of other people is too unbearable. If I eat with someone else I barely even taste the food because I'm too preoccupied with concerns of whether or not they think I'm fat. I question if they're watching me eat or if they think I'm eating too much. I worry that if I eat too little they will discover my secret. I constantly observe what they eat, partially because I'm jealous that they can eat more than me, but also because it causes me stress to eat more than the other person at my table. Another big fear is not being able to purge while out in public. I often have done it in public, but the fear of getting caught is worrisome and shameful. Not being able to purge before the calories are absorbed is an even worse thought. Just losing that option is enough to make me stay at home instead of eating out with friends. I'd often rather be completely alone to binge on my own with nobody judging me except myself and my eating disorder.


Another strange food ritual I have that I wasn't aware was weird was disassembling food. Many things I eat I will take apart in order to see what's inside. It makes me feel safer to eat some things separately. This is most common when I eat sandwich like foods. I often order subs and then completely pick them apart when I get home. I will remove almost half the ingredients I ordered and eat them first before moving on to the rest of the sub. For example, I will order lots of pickles on my vegetarian sub and then take them off to eat on their own. Even if I don't take anything off my food, I check it to make sure there are the right amount of things on it, in the proper order and in tolerable quantities. I arrange my food in very specific ways, again, usually with sandwich like things. I think this goes back to eating things in a specific order. When the food is all in one item, I feel less anxiety when I can put the toppings on in a way that I feel safe. I know rationally that this makes absolutely no difference, but the panic it causes when I can't do this is overwhelming.


Many food rituals are the result of strict food rules that develop overtime when someone has an eating disorder. Many of the rules are not based scientifically but are passed along through misguided advice, family role models, or are just created by the individual themselves. Food rules are rigid and often dictate when a person can eat, what they can eat, where to eat, and how much to eat. These food rules become obsessive and all consuming. I personally believe that these are the obsessive thoughts that result in compulsive food behaviours, as with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.


Food rules surrounding when to eat “involve specifying certain times and situations where food can be eaten” (Bulimia Anorexia Nervosa Association). This can also include avoiding eating all together or only eating after a certain point. For me, my rules around when I can eat are very black and white. I try at all costs to avoid eating anything before dinnertime. After than I will allow myself one small meal. I will not binge before 10pm, but after that I usually binge and purge repeatedly. I often binge and purge three or four times per day. Although this is something I have been working on in
treatment, it is a hard cycle to break and continues to be a struggle. I have had this food rule for so long that it will take a long time to break it.



Food rules that involve what to eat usually stem from the idea that some foods are 'good', while others are 'bad' or 'forbidden'. Food that the eating disordered individual thinks is especially fattening or 'dangerous' will be avoided at all costs. This often includes carbohydrates, sweets, fats, or anything when the ingredients are not known (i.e. at a restaurant). I personally have a huge list of 'forbidden' foods including pizza, junk food, sweets, simple carbohydrates, non-diet pop, chips, etc. This is not to say that I don't eat them. Many people with eating disorders fail to avoid the food they label as 'bad' which then results in feelings of guilt and shame. Removing the labels can help the individual feel better when they do eat something. As the BANA dietitian says, “All foods fit.”


Lastly, food rules that surround how much to eat often involve limiting or eliminating the quantity of food groups or calories consumed. According to BANA, this is often under 800 calories which is literally starvation. The body can not sustain it's functioning at that level of restriction. I have always tried to stay below 800 calories, which was my 'magic number'. I heard that number as a child and it has stuck in my head ever since. If I fail to eat under 800 calories, I will try to stay under 500 the next day in order to make up for my 'mistake'. This type of restriction often leads to binging and purging because I get so hungry that I lose control. In order to stop this cycle, I must eat normally during the day so that starvation doesn't lead me to binging at night. It's something that is easier said than done, however.


Food rules and rituals are very detrimental to those suffering with an eating disorder. They create an extreme preoccupation with food and dieting. This level of obsession is time consuming and is emotionally draining. Rules and rituals also lead to hunger and physical deprivation, emotional deprivation and physiological deprivation. The mind and body cannot function with this level of disordered eating and restriction, which results in malnutrition and worsened mental health. Binge eating is also a result of some of the strict rules and rituals surrounding eating disorders. As mentioned before, extreme hunger often results in the loss of control that is a binge. The food rules can also lead to emotional distress, especially when they are broken. Because the food rules are already set up to fail, this leads to feelings of guilt, shame, worthlessness, uselessness and self-hatred. The person may feel weak for not having enough self-control, when in reality the rules are completely unrealistic.



The fear of weight gain may create these rules and rituals surrounding food and eating, but it is a completely unhealthy and sad way to have to live. Nobody should have to live a life that is all about dieting, thoughts of food, worries of being fat, or hating themselves. It is important to realize that the rules are not accurate and are based on irrational fears rather than science. Hopefully once someone can admit that the rules are faulty, they will be able to break the rules and start eating intuitively rather than in a strict, rigid way. It is not the individual who is the failure, however, it is the food rule itself. Structured, normal eating is the best way to combat these rules. Giving your body the nutrition it needs will heal your body and your mind in time. There is hope.