guilt can stop us from taking healthy care of ourselves.

Guilt: 1. The fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, especially against moral or penal law; culpability: He admitted his guilt.
 2. A feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.

Such a common word with so many meanings, situations, causes, feelings. Guilt in itself is a feeling, but I find it more of a primary emotion, one that evokes a secondary emotion depending on the situation. There's guilt over actions, guilt over thoughts, words, emotions. There's self-guilt, guilt regarding others. Inflicting guilt to manipulate someone into doing something. Real guilt, imagined guilt. Guilt, guilt, guilt.

Eating disorders and addiction are mental illnesses that are just completely loaded with guilt. Guilt over using, guilt over stealing, guilt over not caring about a thing in the world but whatever substance that makes it all go away. It even takes the guilt away for a short, blissful moment. Then there's guilt over eating, guilt over purging, guilt over gaining, guilt over your body, guilt over hurting others. See what I mean? There's no shortage of guilt over here.

In treatment for my opiate addiction, we sort of dealt with the past and guilt we had over our actions and stuff from when we were using. But it's so hard to completely let go of the past. As much as a try not to beat myself up over what I've done, I can't. The things I've done stilll haunt my mind and my life. And I think sometimes it's not my own issues with it, it is others'. For example, when I stole money from my family, I have sort of forgiven myself, but I know they still haven't. I mean to some degree I've been somewhat forgiven, but not totally. And I feel like until they have forgiven me, I don't know if I can forgive myself. Because many days are just a constant reminder of what I've done.

And so often when I'm consumed with guilt, I hid myself away. My self-care that is so important to my health (emotional and phsyical) goes out the window. I'm too ashamed of myself to do anything. I'm too ashamed of myself to believe that I deserve any kind of care or niceness at all. I did horrible things that I can never take back, and I should be punished for it. By myself and others. Now of course this isn't true, but there are days when forgiveness seems far and few between and I take it out on myself. Through isolation, purging, binging, negative self-talk, etc.

Some days this guilt effects my self-care in much more subtle ways. Often in the form of neglect or denial. For example, I knew that smoking dope, crack, etc and purging many times a day for years and years wasn't good for my teeth. I knew this, yet I avoided the dentist like it was the plague. So after getting sober, I refused to think that this was an issue. Until one of my wisdom teeth became so decayed and rotted that it was causing pain. But even then, my guilt got the best of me. I was too guilty to go in case they saw through me and accused me of being bulimic or an addict. My dentist is family, but I have kept these secrets from most of my family. I fear their judgement too much. And I'm sure they won't be that bad, but it's my own (you guessed it) guilt and shame that keeps me from telling them. And it's the same with my teeth. I waited until I couldn't wait any longer and now I'm paying the price. My tooth must come out, along with a few fillings. It will be painful. But it could have been avoided had I taken better care of myself over the years.

So I think I've finally learned my lesson. I need to find a way to accept my past and to let it go. I need to talk to those I've hurt and make amends and tell them that forgiveness is the only way I can truly move forward. And then I need to forgive myself, however I can. Plus, I need to acknowledge that much of my guilt is imagined or exaggerated. I need to be more compassionate and understanding of myself and to focus on the good I've done since.

I will not let guilt affect my well-being anymore. I will be all about seeking forgiveness.

Forgiveness: a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.

Much love, xx.

P.S. There are many healthy benefits that I have learned about regarding forgiveness while researching it for this post (yes, I do my research first, such I nerd, I know). There's a list here at: http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/forgiveness/definition  Check it out!