So in that process, I decided my whole blog format needs an update. It got me thinking about change. At first I was so reluctant to change it at all. I didn't want to lose the appearance it has had since day one. I didn't want to lose my trademark "Am I thin enough?" picture with the girl in handcuffs symbolizing how chained I am to my addiction and bulimia. I didn't want to change any of it.
But then I realized, how can I improve and work towards recovery, when I'm keeping everything the same. On the blog and in real life. It's not productive to view the same format that I had made in the depth of my addiction and bulimia. It needed a change, a refreshed look that inspires change and progress in my writing and in my life.
It got me thinking about change in general. I always thought I did well with change, until I was face to face with it and couldn't handle it. For anyone new I'll give a bit of a recap of my life leading to my addiction in 2011.
- My grandma passed away early in the year.
- My 8 year old dog who I adored as family passed away soon after.
- In October of that year, I got the worst news of my life. My dad had died.
- I resisted change, threw myself into school (my dad valued education) and tried to forget.
- When I couldn't forget, I started planning. Let's just say oxys were always around as, uhm, 'gifts' to people who had money. They sat in my drawer and called to me for weeks. So I slowly started collecting some, ranging from Percs to 80's.
- One night in December, I snorted my first line of oxy. It was daily from then on.
- I then lost my great aunt, two bulldogs (one of whom was my baby, my son, and my life) When I lost him, something in me snapped.
- I kept it mostly together to care for my little boy bulldog Bam. I got out of bed for him, So when he was gone, I was again overwhelmed with sadness and obliterated the feelings with drugs.
So it's clear to me now that instead of changing, I numbed everything out until reality came down and knocked me off my feet last year. Then again, instead of changing and getting my life together, I ran. I got kicked out and ran to my addict friends. I lived in my car, on addicts and dealer's couches. I hopped from place to place with my bag of cleans and pills. I preferred this life over change.
It wasn't until I could absolutely no longer deal with it that I realized that something had to give. I needed to change or I would die alone homeless in my car as my junkie 'friends' robbed me blind and left my dead body. (They did do something like that, minus the body. Well, not minus one a different time. Great people, eh?). And so I did. I got on methadone, got sober and went to treatment. And now almost ten months later, here I am still sober and alive. And completely changed.
So although I still sometimes resist change, I now better understand the importance of it and catch myself when I'm becoming to stuck. I feel like once and a while my recovery needs small changes and refreshers to keep me going. Especially because recovery itself is all about change. I change who I am everyday on my search to learning who I truly am. So I have to update the small things to match the big change that goes on within me.
So now my blog is refreshed and ready to inspire my words, thoughts, and growth. So enjoy!
Much love, xx.
Loving the new layout! They say a change is as good as a rest! I love how strong you are, how you have overcome, or are overcoming, the terrible adversities you have been through. Keep fighting, stay strong xxx
ReplyDeleteThank-you so much. Words of encouragement like yours are what help me through the bad days. So I appreciate it.
DeleteMuch love, xx.
So great to read a bit more about you
ReplyDeleteAs I have said before
Your story is so similar to mine
Down to bed hopping
And bring robbed by 'friends'
But reading your words
And seeing what a breath of fresh air your blog is
Reminds me why I chose recovery too
From one survivor to another,
Love, hope and faith x
I think them robbing me was the last straw. They had stolen small things here and there, nothing of too much importance. Like washes from the dope, small change, whatever. But they let me have a place to stay, and often free drugs. So who was I to complain. Then right near the end we had all gotten on methadone together, wanting to get our lives together. So my mom who hadn't spoken to me in months gave me 20 dollars for gas, methadone and some food. They ended up taking that OUT of my purse and then completely clearing my car out. They assaulted me and threw me out. I never went back and have been cleam since. So in a way it was a blessing in disguise. But it still hurt. I considered them friends.
DeleteI'm glad you got out of that too. Knowing how hard it is. I'm happy we're both here and alive and can share our stories :)
Much love, xx